


By Any Other Name

by Sy_Itha



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 08:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3127253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sy_Itha/pseuds/Sy_Itha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and Laf hardly ever fight, but after once such rare occasion Perry isn't sure what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Any Other Name

Perry scrubbed the floor vigorously. If she was being honest, she knew the floor wasn't dirty, but the other students weren't likely to volunteer to let her clean their room. Still, it felt good to have something to physically take her frustration out on. Her fingers gripped the scrub brush tighter. _I don't understand_. It was as if the phrase was on a loop, replaying over and over in her head. She simply didn't understand any of it. She didn't understand why Laura would date a _vampire_ of all things. She didn't understand why there was a giant ancient evil living under her school. She didn't understand why Sus- _Lafontaine_ was spending so much time with a damn flash drive, and why she didn't want to use her real name anymore.

She paused when her brush collided with the baseboard. She blinked and looked around realizing she had already completed the floor. She closed her eyes and tried to will the tears away. _I don't understand_. She sat down on the floor and rested her back against the wall. She tired to pinpoint the moment when things had changed, but couldn't. Perry supposed that, in her own way, she had always loved Susan. But now…now it almost felt like Lafontaine didn't want to be that person anymore. She said she didn't want to be Susan anymore. What was that supposed to mean? How could she just not be herself anymore? What had happened to the woman she had fallen in love with? Where was the Susan who felt bad that Perry's cat had died and tried to embalm it so it would go to 'Egyptian heaven?' Where was the Susan who had accidentally put the wrong ratio of ingredients into Perry's 'special candles' and exploded her cake? Where was the Susan who had whispered 'I love you, Per' when she thought Perry had been sleeping?

Perry pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "I don't understand…" she murmured. She wanted to talk more with Lafontaine, she wanted to ask her to explain it again. She could feel Lafontaine slipping away from her. Sometimes it felt like Lafontaine had tossed her away when she tossed away her name. She buried her head in her arms. _That's selfish; it isn't about me. This is something that she's going through and it's hard for her and I should be supportive._ Why was it so hard? She had to have read hundreds of articles about non-binary gender representations. Despite the logical part of her brain being able to comprehend the explanations, her heart was lagging behind. It felt like a betrayal. It was as if someone had pulled the rug out from underneath her and now she was in a perpetual state of falling.

A knock on the door made her quickly swipe at the tears on her face. Lafontaine poked their head into the room. Perry looked away.

"Per?" Laf opened the door a little wider. "Can I come in?"

"It's your room too," Perry sniffed. Laf slowly entered the room and knelt in front of where Perry was sitting.

"I'm sorry…" Laf said softly. "I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Perry nodded, accepting the apology. "I'm sorry too, I'm trying Sus-Lafontaine…I'm trying…" Tears fell again and she covered her face with her hands.

"Perry…Lola, talk to me," Lafontaine murmured.

The pain in her heart twisted. Lafontaine rarely used her first name, "I just…I feel like I don't know you anymore. I feel like I'm loosing you."

"I'm still me, Per." A gentle hand tugged on Perry's fingers, pulling them from her face. Perry met Lafontaine's eyes. "I'm still me." Perry looked down at their still joined hands.

"I want to be there for you and be supportive of you…you know that, don't you?" Perry was nearly pleading with them now. She squeezed Lafontaine's hand tightly, afraid that they might disappear.

"I _do_ know that Perry." Lafontain shifted and sat next to her. She put an arm around Perry's shoulder. "This isn't easy for me either."

"I know you've explained it over and over again but…" She curled up against Lafontaine's side, and hugged her tightly. Lafontaine was quiet for a long moment.

"I'll keep explaining it to you everyday for as long as it takes Perry…for as long as you want me to."

"You've been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember," Perry murmured into Lafontaine's shirt. "I thought I knew everything about you."

"People change and grow Perry." Lafontaine gently ran their fingers through Perry's hair. "When we were little you made me a promise, remember?"

"Lafontaine, we were ten."

"You promised me, that no matter what we would always be friends." Lafontaine chuckled softly. "Unless I didn't want to anymore."

"Do you?" Perry looked up from Lafontaine's shoulder. "Still want to be friends, I mean."

Lafontaine smiled. "Always."

Perry looked down at their hands, still intertwined. "Just friends?" The words were barely a whisper. For a moment Perry thought she might have to repeat herself.

Finally Lafontaine spoke. "I didn't know there were other options."

Perry looked up. She could hear her heart pounding in her chest. "There can be." She took a deep breath. "If you want there to be."

Their eyes met. "Lola, I –I've wanted this for a long time, but I understand if you can't because of everything with–"

Perry closed the small distance between them and kissed Lafontaine gently. In that moment everything seemed so simple. This was the person she loved. Names were just words, and what did it matter that they wanted to be called Lafontaine? All that mattered to her was feeling the soft, gentle way Lafontaine kissed her back.

She pulled back enough to see Lafontaine's reaction. Their eyes were still closed, almost as if they were frozen. Slowly they opened their eyes and brought their hand to their lips.

"I know I have a long way to go…and it'll take some adjustments," Perry said. "But I don't want you to go through this alone, and I don't want to just be friends anymore."

"Perry…" Lafontaine smiled and their eyes shone with tears. "Neither do I."

**Author's Note:**

> Laferry? from me?! and it isn't smut!? I know I know...but in all seriousness this is something that is important to me so for all of you reading this I want you to know the following:  
> You are a beautiful person. Even if you're confused, or scared, or hurting, you're still beautiful. Whatever you identify as, whatever struggles you may have to overcome, know that I love you for who you are. You may balk that we've never met, or that I don't read the comments. But I read the comments. I read every.single.one. because you all are important to me. Maybe we haven't met in person, but why should that cheapen a friendship? I know it can be hard, I've had my own struggles, but I've come out the other side. I have a loving wife, and loving friends. My PM box is always open to you. You can find me here, on tumblr, or even on Fanfiction. And so, in closing, I love you, you beautiful person. Always remember that.
> 
> ~Sy


End file.
